Pro Tips provided by Johanna Shaflucas, M.S.Ed., BCBA

Teaching children to accept the word “no” can be tough. After all, even adults have difficulty dealing with rejection. Nevertheless, it’s something that every child must learn to accept. They may not be happy, but with the following strategies, they can begin to handle disappointment without engaging in challenging behaviors.  

1. Understand why it can be particularly hard for children with autism. 

Children with autism often have an intense drive for their favorite things as well as a tendency to think in black and white. When they’re told “no, they may believe it means they will never be able to do the activity again, rather than understanding they can do it another time. In addition, the word “no” can represent an unexpected change which can trigger distress. Finally, they may not recognize the consequences of wanting to do something that is potentially harmful or unsafe. 

2. Teach the word “no” with empathy. 

Children need to learn early on that being told “no” is okay. A loving, caring aspect can be incorporated when teaching this skill. For example, a child may ask for a candy bar at a grocery store checkout, but it’s right before dinner. Parents can say something like, “I love the way you used your words. But I can’t buy that candy bar right now because we’re going to go home and have dinner.” 

3. Use a delayed “no.” 

A delayed “no” is used when a child requests something, but they can’t have it until a certain time or until they complete certain tasks first. They may ask to watch a movie, for example, and a parent might say, “You can’t watch a movie until you clean up your toys.” This gives the child something to focus on from when a parent told them “no” and when they can actually have what they requested. 

4. Provide choices. 

It’s important to provide a choice of activities that a child can do instead of what they requested. If a parent tells a child “no” and walks away, the child will continue to fixate on what they wanted. Children don’t always have the skills to shift their thinking and engage with something else without being directed. Consider creating a choice board with activities or items displayed visually so the child can see their options. 

5. Prepare for the day’s activities.  

Visual schedules are a tool to help children understand what to expect and when. An after-school schedule might consist of a snack, homework, screen time, then dinner. Even a simple first/then visual, such as First: lunch  Then: play outside, can show them when they can access something they want. 

6. Don’t give in. 

One of the key things to remember is to stand your ground. Acknowledge their feelings while still holding the boundary. For example, “I know you want more time. We’re finished now, but we can do it again tomorrow.” Provide other options or try to distract and move on from the topic to something else. 

By not giving in, you may need to prepare for challenging behavior, including behavior that your child has not exhibited before. If you can keep everyone in the home safe, say no and ride it out.  If you are not ready to endure the consequences of saying no, do not say no in the first place. Ask for support from a behavior professional.